I ain't missing you, at all...

I miss company. I'm not talking about hanging out, having a conversation, doing things with someone, company. I mean the 'sitting in a room with someone else - each of you doing your own thing - but both of you looking up every now and then, meeting each others' eyes and sharing a smile that only the two of you understand' kind of company.

And the battle wages on...

Everyday people pick their moments to stand up and fight; for something they want, or need, or for something they believe in. Every day. For something, or for someone, for life, or for love, for opinions, and values, and beliefs.

People choose their battle, they stand up and they fight. Easy, right?

So, when you're a little lost and you don't know what you want, or need, out of life, when you don't know who should be standing beside you and when you're not quite sure of what you believe in; in those moments, what are you supposed to fight for?

What are you fighting for, and is it worth it?

She wants what she needs...

She’s tired. She's just so. fucking. tired.

She can’t think of any other way to describe how she feels.

She’s stuck in a job she hates and she’s only just realising that it probably won’t take her anywhere; nowhere worth being anyway. She wishes someone had told her eighteen year old self that the choices she was making then were going to affect her for, well, forever. To be honest though, her eighteen year old self was a little shit and probably wouldn’t have listened.

(All those decisions she made back then, they were the wrong ones.)

She thinks her problem is that she wants too much. She wants too much of everything and she can’t just decide. She wants to go places, travel, but she wants to settle down; find somewhere to call home. She wants to live in a city that never sleeps and she wants to live in a small town; one of those ones where everyone knows everyone, and they’re all friendly and they’re all family.

She wants to be loved and wanted. She wants to be the friend that everyone trusts, the one they all come to for advice, and to vent. She wants to be the one they call when they have good news and the shoulder they cry on when things are bad.

She wants to be successful and happy. She wants a job that she loves to do, but she doesn’t know what exactly that is. She wants to work - to be able to support herself - but at the same time, she wants to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. She wants to be able to spend her days reading, drawing, writing, painting; everything and nothing at the same time.

She wants a family, but she's not sure she's ever going to find someone that gets her. Hell, most days she doesn't even understand herself, so how is she supposed to find someone else that will put up with all her crazy? She wants a family, though; people that will always be on her side, that will rely on her, that will support her. She wants people that she can call 'her people' even though nobody will even understand what she means by that. She wants people to dote on, to love, to share everything she knows she has to give with.

She wants it all, but she’s so fucking scared that it’s too late for anything.

Some days, she thinks she’s just making excuses for herself, though, because it’s a lot easier to keep wanting than it is to actually try.

I just want to be great...

"...if I can't be great at it, 

then I don't want to ruin it. 

It's too important to me."

- Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill.

I like to be able to do things. I like to be good at doing things. I don't like to fail at anything.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day; we were discussing things we were really good at, things that came naturally to us and in the end, I wound up describing myself with the phrase, 'a jack of all trades, but a master of none'. Sad. 


Seriously, it's crazy how frustrated/upset I am, now that I've realised this statement relates to me. I like being able to do things and I like to be able to do things really, really well. 

I have a hunger for knowledge, (a nicer way of saying I'm a nosy bitch) so I can pick up on things, learn them, fairly quickly. You can't learn talent, though, and that's what screws me up. I can learn the knowledge behind whatever task I'm trying to manage, I can become quite adequate at said task, but I never become great at it.

I don't want to just be able to do something. I don't want to just be good at something. I want to be exceptional. I want to be the best.

'Tis the season (or something like that)

To be honest, I'm not a Christmas person. At all. I love the summer holiday, the break from work, but the actual Christmas of it? I could really do without it.

I don't think that there's any particular reason that I fail to 'get into the Christmas spirit'. It's just not my thing. The whole Christmas deal seems to be more of a stress than anything else; it's so commercialised and seems to be about who gets what and who spends the most money (on what is usually utter crap) rather than spending time with the people you love and having fun, which is more my kind of party.

All that said, I've had a great day. I've been home alone and I'm one of those people that loves time on my own. I've settled down on the couch with a bottle (yes, a bottle) of Champagne, chocolates, some trashy TV, (seriously, it's reality TV), movies and the laptop. It's extremely relaxing and this is how the holiday period should be spent.

Happy holidays.

Time Makes You Older

So, a year and a half ago I moved away from the town that I've lived in, off and on, for roughly fourteen years. Pretty much, it's the town that I did most of my growing up in and the town that I will probably always have ties to; some good, some bad, whether I want to or not. 

Did I need to leave that town? Yes.

Did I leave that town for the wrong reasons? Yes.

Needing to get away from certain people and certain situations factored a great deal in my decision to leave and it's something that has, actually, taken me some time to realise. (But at least I've finally realised it, right?)

Since I left that town, I've been living my life 'on hold', in that, I haven't really been living it at all.

I'm naturally a loner and I don't mean that in a negative way; I just prefer to be alone. I don't spend my time curled up in bed cursing the world because I have no friends. I do have friends that I love dearly, okay? But still, people tend to annoy me more often that not, so I try to stay away from them or any situation where there's going to be a lot of them.

And, I'm getting off-track here. I tend to do that. A lot.

I haven't really been living life. I've just been going through the motions, living day to day and that is really, really not how I want to live. I actually want to live and I might be bringing out my crazy here, but, I truly believe that there is a difference between living life and living life. 

So, now that I've realised this, what am I going to do?

I'm not too sure to be honest. This has been on my mind a fair bit lately and I know that it's going to take more that just realising this to actually change it. 

To begin though, I'm going to draw up a five year plan. (Yeah, I'm a list person. Sue me.) I'm going to write down a plan of where I want to be in five years, my hopes, dreams, desires, all of that jazz, because hopefully that will give me a little bit of direction, or at least, some goals, right?

A place to spend my quiet nights...

I thought this picture was fairly relevant for a first post because, usually, when we start a diary or a blog it's because we're looking for some sort of direction, or a sense that we're not alone with our misery/problems/life. I don't actually know; I'm assuming here. All I know, personally, is that I have thoughts, and a mind that doesn't stop, so all these thoughts are swirling around in my mind, all the time, and maybe, if I have some platform in which to voice them, I might gain a little clarity, or at the very least, a peaceful night.

I've kept diaries before, and it hasn't really been me. It's like the first day of school where you head in all refreshed from your holiday and raring to go; you open your new book and it's all crisp, blank, white paper, and it feels like a new beginning. You start off with good intentions, too. You mark the date clearly in the top right hand corner, diligently take notes, and it feels great. Eventually though, you make a mistake, because it's life and perfect doesn't exist, but now that white paper, that was so full of options has been tarnished. You become lax, and don't worry too much about taking your time; about making effort. So, this isn't a blog in the diary sense of the word 'cause I'm terrible at that kind of thing; it becomes a chore and really, even at my age, chores suck.

It's more of a place to maybe leave my thoughts, share a few of my likes and loves and just generally, anything that catches my fancy. I don't know...we'll see how this goes. Right now, though? I'm going to get back to listening to my mellow music, drinking my whiskey and 'laxing out on this Friday night (even though I have a massive list of things I should be doing).