She wants what she needs...

She’s tired. She's just so. fucking. tired.

She can’t think of any other way to describe how she feels.

She’s stuck in a job she hates and she’s only just realising that it probably won’t take her anywhere; nowhere worth being anyway. She wishes someone had told her eighteen year old self that the choices she was making then were going to affect her for, well, forever. To be honest though, her eighteen year old self was a little shit and probably wouldn’t have listened.

(All those decisions she made back then, they were the wrong ones.)

She thinks her problem is that she wants too much. She wants too much of everything and she can’t just decide. She wants to go places, travel, but she wants to settle down; find somewhere to call home. She wants to live in a city that never sleeps and she wants to live in a small town; one of those ones where everyone knows everyone, and they’re all friendly and they’re all family.

She wants to be loved and wanted. She wants to be the friend that everyone trusts, the one they all come to for advice, and to vent. She wants to be the one they call when they have good news and the shoulder they cry on when things are bad.

She wants to be successful and happy. She wants a job that she loves to do, but she doesn’t know what exactly that is. She wants to work - to be able to support herself - but at the same time, she wants to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. She wants to be able to spend her days reading, drawing, writing, painting; everything and nothing at the same time.

She wants a family, but she's not sure she's ever going to find someone that gets her. Hell, most days she doesn't even understand herself, so how is she supposed to find someone else that will put up with all her crazy? She wants a family, though; people that will always be on her side, that will rely on her, that will support her. She wants people that she can call 'her people' even though nobody will even understand what she means by that. She wants people to dote on, to love, to share everything she knows she has to give with.

She wants it all, but she’s so fucking scared that it’s too late for anything.

Some days, she thinks she’s just making excuses for herself, though, because it’s a lot easier to keep wanting than it is to actually try.

I just want to be great...

"...if I can't be great at it, 

then I don't want to ruin it. 

It's too important to me."

- Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill.

I like to be able to do things. I like to be good at doing things. I don't like to fail at anything.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day; we were discussing things we were really good at, things that came naturally to us and in the end, I wound up describing myself with the phrase, 'a jack of all trades, but a master of none'. Sad. 


Seriously, it's crazy how frustrated/upset I am, now that I've realised this statement relates to me. I like being able to do things and I like to be able to do things really, really well. 

I have a hunger for knowledge, (a nicer way of saying I'm a nosy bitch) so I can pick up on things, learn them, fairly quickly. You can't learn talent, though, and that's what screws me up. I can learn the knowledge behind whatever task I'm trying to manage, I can become quite adequate at said task, but I never become great at it.

I don't want to just be able to do something. I don't want to just be good at something. I want to be exceptional. I want to be the best.