Time Makes You Older

So, a year and a half ago I moved away from the town that I've lived in, off and on, for roughly fourteen years. Pretty much, it's the town that I did most of my growing up in and the town that I will probably always have ties to; some good, some bad, whether I want to or not. 

Did I need to leave that town? Yes.

Did I leave that town for the wrong reasons? Yes.

Needing to get away from certain people and certain situations factored a great deal in my decision to leave and it's something that has, actually, taken me some time to realise. (But at least I've finally realised it, right?)

Since I left that town, I've been living my life 'on hold', in that, I haven't really been living it at all.

I'm naturally a loner and I don't mean that in a negative way; I just prefer to be alone. I don't spend my time curled up in bed cursing the world because I have no friends. I do have friends that I love dearly, okay? But still, people tend to annoy me more often that not, so I try to stay away from them or any situation where there's going to be a lot of them.

And, I'm getting off-track here. I tend to do that. A lot.

I haven't really been living life. I've just been going through the motions, living day to day and that is really, really not how I want to live. I actually want to live and I might be bringing out my crazy here, but, I truly believe that there is a difference between living life and living life. 

So, now that I've realised this, what am I going to do?

I'm not too sure to be honest. This has been on my mind a fair bit lately and I know that it's going to take more that just realising this to actually change it. 

To begin though, I'm going to draw up a five year plan. (Yeah, I'm a list person. Sue me.) I'm going to write down a plan of where I want to be in five years, my hopes, dreams, desires, all of that jazz, because hopefully that will give me a little bit of direction, or at least, some goals, right?

A place to spend my quiet nights...

I thought this picture was fairly relevant for a first post because, usually, when we start a diary or a blog it's because we're looking for some sort of direction, or a sense that we're not alone with our misery/problems/life. I don't actually know; I'm assuming here. All I know, personally, is that I have thoughts, and a mind that doesn't stop, so all these thoughts are swirling around in my mind, all the time, and maybe, if I have some platform in which to voice them, I might gain a little clarity, or at the very least, a peaceful night.

I've kept diaries before, and it hasn't really been me. It's like the first day of school where you head in all refreshed from your holiday and raring to go; you open your new book and it's all crisp, blank, white paper, and it feels like a new beginning. You start off with good intentions, too. You mark the date clearly in the top right hand corner, diligently take notes, and it feels great. Eventually though, you make a mistake, because it's life and perfect doesn't exist, but now that white paper, that was so full of options has been tarnished. You become lax, and don't worry too much about taking your time; about making effort. So, this isn't a blog in the diary sense of the word 'cause I'm terrible at that kind of thing; it becomes a chore and really, even at my age, chores suck.

It's more of a place to maybe leave my thoughts, share a few of my likes and loves and just generally, anything that catches my fancy. I don't know...we'll see how this goes. Right now, though? I'm going to get back to listening to my mellow music, drinking my whiskey and 'laxing out on this Friday night (even though I have a massive list of things I should be doing).